In lieu of the holiday season, we bring you “If athletes were Christmas characters”

Who else but Joe Namath can be compared to Darren McGavin’s favorite present from the Christmas Story?

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Tom Brady seems the only obvious choice for George Bailey. Everybody knows the story of George Bailey, but let’s looks at what would have happened if Tom Brady was never born.
First of all, Damon Huard comes in to replace an almost dead Bledsoe. We don’t see the years being quite the same…

Without Brady the Pats go into a tale spin of losing and end up drafting Joey Harrington, which just compiles the problems.

The Oakland Raiders go on and beat the Rams in the Super Bowl, and nobody knows what the “tuck rule” is.

Bill Belichik is fired along with Romeo and Charlie.

Peyton Manning goes on to beat the Panthers in the Super Bowl, becoming the Golden Boy. He whores himself to sell everything possible. (some things wouldn’t change)

Corey Dillon stays in Cincinnati and goes on a crime spree that makes Chris Henry look like a boy scout. A life ruined.

Donovan McNabb becomes the second (sorry we overlooked Doug) African American QB to win a Super Bowl. And the city of Philly adores him.

Ty Willingham wins a National Championship for Notre Dame with his players.

Andy Reid’s kids get an education and real job looking to follow dad’s example.

Bill Belichik’s kids turn to drugs and guns, and shame the family after finding out about dad’s affair.

Bridget Moynihan gets knocked up by Eli Manning, completely annihilating that beautiful Moynihan seed. Eli is shunned for premartial sex and loses is only sponsor, Trojans.

The fans in Boston turn-on the Red Sox in Game 4, 2004 (their Pats are really bad) A fight in the stands causes Dave Roberts to get a bad jump on the ball, he’s out. The Sox lose, the Yanks win.

Anyway, you get the picture. Without Tom Brady, it would be a different world.

Is there any question that Eli Manning looks like he’d rather be doing ANYTHING other than football? Much like the misfit elf, Hermey, Manning was born into an occupation he just doesn’t love. Hermey wanted to be a dentist, not a toy maker. Maybe a visit to the island of misfits will inspire Eli.

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Nightmare Before Christmas’ Jack Skellington is king of Halloween who grows bored of Halloween finds out about Christmas and decides to use his excellent management skills to take over the holiday.

Arthur Blank, who is king of drywall screws and table saws grows tired of running a billion dollar company, finds out about the NFL and decides to use his excellent management skills to take over the league and has his own Nightmare Before Christmas in the form of Bobby Petrino.

Both are dashing, dapper, slim and trim….although reports that Skellington is 1/8 Jewish have not yet been confirmed.

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How do we get Charlie Weis from Ralphie? Let’s see. Ralphie, we all know, wanted more than anything an official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle. Ralphie did everything in his power to get it. Charlie, more than anything, wanted to be a head coach at the University of Notre Dame. He did everything in his power to get it, and he did everything he could to get that long term mega million contract and pretty much guarantee his children a Notre Dame degree. Charlie also wanted his own players, in his system. We know what happened to Ralphie. And now we know what happened to Charlie. Charlie got his players, his Jimmy Clausen, and his schedule, and what happened to both of them? They shot their eyes out. That Little Orphan Annie decoder ring has a new message, b-e-s-u-r-e-t-o-s-a-y-y-o-u-r-h-a-i-l-m-a-r-y-s.

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Buddy and Yao. What a match. Both were obviously uncomfortable in their home setting, being so much different than others, and took time to get used to their new settings. Big, likable galoots both are passionate about their professions, while at times they can still be “cotton headed ninny muggins”

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Because Emmett Otter is a favorite classic, we had to choose wisely who would be our Emmett Otter. The beloved Henson Muppett Classic depicts Emmett as the hard worker, do whatever it takes, little otter with the big heart. Emmett put the hole in the washtub and practices until his band his nearly perfect. But the River Bottom Nightmare Band is bigger, badder, and eventually better. That doesn’t deter our hero. So that brings us to Dustin Pedroia and Wes Welker.

Two little hard workers who do whatever their team needs them to do, to win. They aren’t ever going to be the biggest or best, just hard workers. And long before he was a Patriot, Wes Welker has been a favorite of DMS and Dupes (thanks to his Fantasy performance, but to explain the Flatus fantasy league rules, scoring and other bullshit would take longer than the explaining the QB rating system divided by the BCS standings). Pedroia earned our praise with a fantastic ending to the postseason after a remarkable rookie year, playing with guys half his size.

We contacted Pedroia’s agent about his receiving the highly coveted Emmett Otter character comparison, his agent said Dustin replied “Who’s Emmett Otter?” Dustin was 3 when Emmett Otter came out.

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HOWDY HO! Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo, small and brown he comes for you….

I may have overlooked somebody for this role, but hey we can add whomever we want. Qualifications were pretty simple, and obvious, for the South Park Christmas character. You are either a piece of…or full of… No further explanation necessary.

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(sorry, I never saw Sandler’s animated Eight Crazy Nights Hanukkah special)

Often referred to the No Fun League, NFL’s Commissioner Roger Goodell is our Burgermeister Meiseterburger. For the most part we think Goodell is doing a good job, but a quick poll of the many players who have been fined this year suggests Roger is simply not allowing the players to have fun. Much like the Burgermeister forbidding toys from Sombertown. So no props, no using the football to celebrate, no spikes, no cheerleaders showing nipple, no losing for the Patriots, no socks down, no felons, no dog fighters, I mean c’mon, you can’t take away all the toys Roger.

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A blast from the past. Both trios appear primed for a comeback. The Celtics big three have already got off to a hot start, the Chipmunks won’t debut til the 14th. None have accomplished much in a while, none are a promising solo act, and while entertaining for the time being, check back in May to see their staying power.

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Everyone knows and is warmed by the story of Clark Griswold in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Lovable loser who can’t get anything right.

Cam Cameron’s Dolphins are the Griswolds of the NFL…..unannounced distant relatives dropping by (Ricky Williams), the dried-out over-cooked turkey (Trent Green), a manic squirrel terrorizing everyone (Don Shula declaring the Patriots perfect record deserves an asterisk for cheating).

We’re guessing Wayne Huizienga gives Cameron a Jelly-of-the-Month Club subscription as a Christmas bonus.

Oy Vey.

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We are going to cut Gayrod some slack here and award the role of Mr. Potter to mega agent Scott Boras. Gayrod is trying to take some of the blame for the “opt out” and timing debacle of the announcement, but let’s face it, Scott Boras has never looked worse. We truly believe if Boras could have his way, we would see Major League Boras Baseball and the New York Borasses as his name and face would be everywhere. Pottersville? (Side note, we do like Scott Boras’s idea of brothels inside each stadium, so there is a bright side)

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