Ten Things Philadelphians are Willing to Give Up to Get Matt Holliday
if there is even a single grain of truth to the story circulated by philadelphia daily news columnist don mckee that the phillies are engaged in talks to bring rockies slugger matt holliday to Titleless Town, then we just may wet the bed here and now!
we’re willing to dig deep, pay higher ticket prices, eat more dollar dogs, and spend lots of money at the phanatic build-a-bear shop in order to make this happen. here are some other things, we as philadelphians, are willing to part with in order to bring matt holliday to citizen’s bank park:
1. cheesesteaks
we’ll let you in on a little insider secret: most philly cheesesteaks suck. especially the famous ones. the rolls are chewy, the meat is not, and the cheese is really some kind of fondue crap. (the onions, though are really, really good) plus they’re not healthy. people in colorado are WAY too healthy. they could use some cholesterol.
2. radio host howard eskin
a rude talk show host known as “the burger king”, for obvious reasons, eskin is an allen iverson sycophant who will enjoy the cold weather and the opportunity to wear fur coats. you can book it: denver will LOVE this arsewipe guy.
3. the philadelphia soul
this one is tougher than it sounds. this arena league franchise has done it by the book: great product, fan-friendly, winning teams. they’re a model organization. but we have to shed a franchise and we’re not quite willing to give up on the flyers……yet. besides, soul owner jon bon jovi seems to be on friendly terms with colorado crush owner john elway. should be a smooth transition.
4. the rocky statue
what’s it say about our civic IQ that our most famous objet d’art is a movie prop from Rocky III? even worse, it draws for opposing fans who like to deface it with silly costumes. yo adrian!
5. drexel university
here’s the problem: temple, st. joe’s, lasalle, villanova and penn make up the big five. we simply don’t have a place to put drexel. frankly, it’s expendable. we’re not even sure denver has a college. (certainly not one that plays colonial league basketball! woohooo!) add in the fact that it’s most recently famous student is probably a serial identity thief…….see ya drexel!
6. philly soft pretzels
twenty years ago, we wouldn’t have considered giving up the soft pretzel. back then they were as hard as horseshoes, had less taste than cardboard and cost five for a buck. it was a bargain we all enjoyed. now? they’re hard as horsehoes, have less taste than cardboard and are a buck each. screw that, give us matt holliday and we’ll chew on our knuckles. they probably taste better, anyway.
7. comcast
what can we say? comcast sucks. we certainly appreciate them making philly their corporate headquarters….but we’d appreciate better quality and better service way more. for that reason, we’re getting verizon fios as soon as it’s available. with all the mountains, folks in denver are used to bad reception….maybe they won’t notice how bad comcast really is.
8. chris wheeler
used to be a time when philadelphia had some of the greatest baseball announcers in the nation. then a pr guy named chris wheeler wiggled into the booth through a crack in veterans stadium’s foundation and drove all the professionals looney. who knows….maybe the mile-high air will make him palatable?
9. ed rendell
our former mayor, now “the gov” and part-time eagles post-game show host and CONSTANT talking head, ed rendell does nothing to dispel the notion that philadelphia is inhabited by troglodytes who throw snowballs at santa claus. since term limits prevent him from running again….we think he would make a great senator for colorado.
10. reno mahe
sure, he doesn’t play anymore for the eagles. (right andy? right? andy?) but his development from byu drop-out to nfl punt returner ordinaire is an immense source of civic pride. let’s put it this way: he’d make denver forget about all of javon walker’s faults.
related topics:
did you know hottie ali larter was discovered in a phillies commercial?
pattus interruptus….pat burrell doesn’t like getting “pulled” late
philly is the world capital of tv anchorperson shenanigans
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I dunno about giving up cheese steaks. Pat’s on Passyunk Ave in South Philly is hard to beat.
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:17 pm
The Philadelphia Inquirer is totally useless, except on Sundays. I’d way rather give that up than cheesesteaks. Also, Dave Montgomery, Jeff Lurie, Ed Snider are all useless. Let’s get rid of them, too. P.S. Denver has free WiFi internet…..maybe we should all just move there?
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:19 pm
this list is fucking bogus. the soul kick ass and are going to win arena bowl and we’re going to have our first championship in 25 years and you’re going to trade them for matt holliday. that’s bullshit. get your heads out of your asses, arena football will be a top four sport within ten years.
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Chris Wheeler really does suck.
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:52 pm
3 quick points here:
1. You’re an idiot. Just because Pat’s and Geno’s suck, doesn’t mean they all do. Tony Luke’s and Jim’s rule.
2. Soft Pretzels are awesome. Maybe you should stop eating the stale ones your girlfriend has left over that didn’t she sell on the corner of 15th and Mifflin. I heard she spits in the mustard too.
3. The rest of this list is pretty good to go…other than the statue. OK fine I know I threw my bike helmet at it when Apollo died, but give me a break. That thing’s priceless.
Yo Adrian!
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:59 pm
By the way Arena Football is not a real sport, thus not a title. If you are really excited about this counting as a title drought stopper, you’re dumb, considering the Wings and Phantoms have won a bunch of titles. THIS DOES NOT COUNT NEITHER DID THOSE.
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:01 pm
yo, rock! i dig tony luke’s big time. especially the chicken cutlet sandwich with sharp provolone. that’s the shit, bro. jims is nice too. here’s the problem. you wait in line at jim’s, you get your cheesesteak wrapped, you get to your tailgate and it’s turned into beef stew….all soggy and shit. i know that’s not jim’s problem…that’s the structural integrity of cheesesteaks as a whole.
regarding the soft pretzel…..the corner of 15th and mifflin has been in your family so long, i wouldn’t think about having my girlfriend sell there. plus she’s too busy chasing the dragon at k&a…it’s unlikely i could get her to sell anything (cept her sumpin, sumpin….if you catch my drift).
finally, your original point is correct. i AM an idiot. growing up in philly made me that way. you too, i’m guessing.
E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:14 pm
at one point hockey wasn’t a considered a real sport either, so you’re a big dummy. the phantoms are a minor league team and who says the wings titles do not count? a championship is a championship. this site is so fucking bogus, you probably read it to your kids, you typical philly dickhead. you’re the type of people who give our sports teams such a bad reputation.
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Wow. A dialogue involving Philadelphia fans with lots of insults and cursing. How original.
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Wow, a Mets fan who can spell “dialogue”.
July 22nd, 2008 at 2:06 pm
ummm….”THE” wf?
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
colorado already has comcast…were gonna need something else to replace that
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:35 am
Bart the Mule is a complete and utter moron. F you and F the Mets. Gasman, I apologize for the rude statements towards your lady… I didn’t realize she was such a hassle. And yes, we are both idiots as a result of our environment…such is life.
I’m considering becoming a regular contributor to this site. Let me know how you feel about that. And what’s this k&a place you speak of? Sounds like a great training facility for my next epic, tenatively titled “Rocky 7: Rehab”.
Yo Adrian, F the Mets!
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:12 pm
And Arena football is not a real sport.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Gas: Yep, the one and only WF. He answered the bell. Just like our new friend Rocky used to do before the fuckers took all his HGH.