having spent millions of dollar repairing his creaky knees and sucking the staph infection out of his veins (it’s hard to heal an athlete who has no heart)….the cleveburg browns now have to deal with kellen winslow jr. taking his ball and going home until he has a new contract.

winsblow, who has eight…count em EIGHT….career touchdowns (that’s something like LOTS LESS THAN CHRIS COOLEY) thinks he deserves more QUAN.

we suggest that browns inform winsblow that they will consider a new contract when he approaches Jeff Thomason’s career stats.

si.com story here.

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. (AP) - Former West Virginia football coach Rich Rodriguez says former LAPD Detective Mark Fuhrman pressured him into signing a new contract before the start of the 2007 season, even though it had a $4 million buyout clause he didn’t want.

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NEW YORK (AP)—A murmur rippled across the room as the NFL revealed the nature of requests by the Philadelphia Eagles for the league to recognize “Taint” as an official position.

The tittering was caused by the recognition that this is the first time since Najeh Davenport was officially designated as a “Scatback” that the league had declared a new official position.

After consultation with budinksy Senator Arlen Specter, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell approved the request by the Philadelphia Eagles that Chris Gocong and Andy Studebaker be listed at the “Taint” position. 

“The performance of Gocong and the anticipated performance of Studebaker have convinced the league that these men ‘Taint’ linebackers and they definately ‘Taint’ defensive ends….and therefore shouldn’t be referred to as such”, noted the commissioner.  

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Yes, I’m ripping this off from Extra Mustard, but that’s only because it’s not on YouTube yet, and Cubs Message Boards stink. Anyway, just one step closer to this.

We have been lifelong Ray Lewis haters.

(we’re too embarrassed to use the term “playa hata”, which is super strange considering the fact that we’re not too embarrassed to employ LarryKingJolson and have regular features focusing on camel toe)

When Ray Lewis was an alleged murder accomplice……we were at the front of the line shouting, “send that bitch down river!”.

When Ray Lewis was the top defensive player in the league, we hated his pre-game histrionics and noted that it was his “kind” that was ruining the dignity of the game.

(again, strange considering we offer up some of the most classless “journalism” on the web)

And more recently….we’ve called him out as the league’s most overrated defensive player over the last few years and mocked him mercilessly when he was infamously caught on-camera complaining about being double-teamed during a Monday Night Football broadcast.

Although still a productive middle linebacker….Lewis no longer is the dominant player of earlier this decade. So when we picked up the Baltimore Sun (okay…we didn’t pick it up, we read the online version) and read the headline that Lewis and the Ravens were far apart on a contract extension….we had one reaction:

A-HAH! Another past his prime player who, having already made a fortune, now wanted even MORE money. Another player whose franchise catered to his every whim and stood by him as he faced life imprisonment. Another player screaming SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!

But we would be wrong. The Sun article quotes Lewis as saying, among other things,:

-he is focused on team issues and not individual ones.
-”The contract stuff is irrelevant from what we’re trying to do now.”
-”The bottom line is whatever we’re trying to do as a team, that’s the focus.”
-”If you start talking about individual, that means nothing.”

Drew Rosenhaus is turning over in his reptile tank somewhere tonight.

Is it possible that Lewis has turned the corner from brash showman to league elder statesman (ala Cris Carter)? Is it possible that he actually gets that he’s been paid huge money and that he hasn’t always performed at level commensurate with his mammoth contract? Is it possible that he places a higher value on finishing his career than he does earning a couple of million more?

If the answers to these questions are yes….then all we can say is: WOW.

Read the Baltimore Sun story here.

(disclaimer: the “author” of this post acknowledges that among other offenses,he openly derided the hiring of an unknown and untested Andy Reid over Jim Haslett; that he ripped Reid for drafting Donovon McNabb over Ricky Williams; that during years in which the Eagles played in conference championship games, on more than one occasion he heckled from the 700 level at Veterans Stadium, “Andy, I’ve got my eye on you, you fat fuck”; that he applauded Reid’s selection of Freddie Mitchell as “brilliant”; that he has mocked virtually every Reid draft pick from McNabb to Norman LeJeune; that he has frequently called for Reid’s resignation so that he could attend to “family matters”. In summary, nobody has dissed Andy Reid more than this “author”.)

How does this all end for Andy Reid?

Does his career as Eagles head coach end with a bittersweet Super Bowl victory? Does it end with a final legal transgression by one of his troubled children? Or does it end with the body and soul of the over-stressed, over-weight coach finally yielding to the physical and psychological pounding it has taken over the last decade?

However it ends, it’s impossible as a human being not to gaze in wonderment at the incredible succession of trials and tribulations Reid has endured during his tenure in Philadelphia. Has any coach in professional sports history, save Billy Martin, battled a more devious combination of personal and professional demons?

Yesterday, in a quiet coda to a story that broke last November, Garrett Reid was sentenced to two-years in a state penitentiary for smuggling drugs into his county jail cell while awaiting trial on a different legal matter.

All spring, Reid has been under the gun to figure out a solution to his overcrowded defensive backfield and “undercrowded” wide receiver corps. Idiot bloggers have ripped Reid a new a-hole because he hasn’t found a way to magically trade Lito Sheppard for Larry Fitzgerald.

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For one of the most famous campaigns of all time, Michael Strahan recently flashed his spacey grin:

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HBO has announced they are returning with their Hard Knock series, and this year they will be following around the Dallas Cowboys.  A better script, or unscripted choice, could not be made.  Flatusyahu has the inside scoop on storylines that HBO producers or going to make sure are played out in reality, even if it means Paulie Walnuts has to crack a few heads.

It’s no surprise on an off day when Pacman travels to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch and gets some VIP Treatment from Dennis Hof. And we’ve got nothing against the girls from the Cathouse series, they’ve been some of our best interns. But trouble arises when Pacman taints ubertalented corner Terence Newman, who decides Hof’s got the life he dreams of.

This took some real pull from Jerry to get a corroboration with FX. The Gene Simmons / Shannon Tweed (who doesn’t love Shannon) plastic surgery fiasco didn’t faze Jerry Jones. Never one to shy away from the knife, Jerry decides he too will undergo some minor surgery during training camp, and be part of Nip/Tuck to double his exposure. Media whore.

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Marvin Harrison sure as hell does, muthafucker. 

Nobody puts Marvin Harrison in a corner, no one! Hey Marv,  if it looks like your gun, shoots like your gun, and the shell casing are traced BACK to your gun then it’s probably YOUR FUCKING GUN, dumbass!