welcome to flatusyahu, a site with dogged adherence to the lowest possible standards in journalism.  get comfy and lets do some male bonding, shall we?

we don’t know much about this broad (the firebush shown above)….but we think she should change her name to Gina Ginormajugs. (that’s slovakian, fye) {on205th}

are you man enough to find out if Wilt tagged your moms? {theworldofisaac}

resident guest editor Shooter’s prose is such a blog whore so high in demand, his top ten things you’ll never hear on an NBA telecast can be found both here and there. {fivetooltool} {epiccarnival}

speaking of five tool tool…..our editorial board is filled with tools for not choosing their logo as one of the top ten in the sports blogosphere.  it is most definately a top FIVER.  we suck Wilt.

your daily gizmodo:  youth killed by helicopter while getting mails sparks headphone safety debate.  we shit you not. {gizmodo}

who knew that mariah carey’s steamers are worth guarding?  {holytaco}

what evidence does harvey bars have that roger clemens is guilty? {tiricosuave}

whilst eating our daily bacon we noticed that this picture was shocking similar to this recent story about bad parenting. {ilovebacon} {thefootballwire}

we don’t give a flying fark that we posted this yesterday….we may do it every day from now til the end of days.  manny ramirez is the new barry manilow.  THAT is how good his show is. {withleather}

need help developing a mildly obscene insult?  we know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy that can help you get what you need.  capiche? {brahsome}

PhizzEd was in the house enjoying his favorite cracker-reggae band when this was filmed:

they’re our lead-off hitter cause they ALWAYS get on base……and this scarlett johansson/penelope cruz lesbian kiss video is a homerrrrrrun. {on205th}

not for nothing, but this hank steinbrenner expose has the best title of any blog post ever written. goddamn we wish we could write like harvey bars. {tiricosuave}

we hope rumors of philadelphia eagles in cowboy suckwuss roy williams are untrue…even if he is bent on having a breakout 2008 season. {sportaphile}

p.s. how the gasman missed sportaphile’s logo in his list of top sports blog logos is mystifying….they have MULTIPLE logos….all of which are top notch.

we just noticed that ALL former beverly hills 90210 female stars have slightly strange faces. {theworldofisaac}

chase utley’s got bush! no…not THAT kind of bush (although we’re sure he gets plenty of that, too). no….utley has dubya on his team. {huggingharoldreynolds}

one of the interns just mocked LKJ for posting a picture of chase utley, but not a screen capture of scarlett johansson and penelope cruz. man-crushes are mysterious thing, indeed.

MUST SEE proof that manny ramirez was most definately one of the men on the grassy knoll. {awful announcing}

we wonder how the once promising career of wide receiver jerry porter got off track? {kissingsuzykolber}

your daily gizmodo: authentic indiana jones hats now available for just ninety-nine bucks. {gizmodo}

speaking of dave grohl….there’s no way in hell this tune shouldn’t be on your ipod:

kate beckinsale may not be my choice for sexiest woman on the planet…but she ain’t no dog, either.  which is a good thing….considering how hard dogs are finding it on the formula 1 circuit these days these days. {on205th}

i don’t like to double dip on links…..but i also don’t like to pass up a good starlet lesbo story either.  fuck it…why don’t you and on205th just go get a room.  {on205th}

nobody puts baby in the corner……harveybars goes ABSOLUTELY POSTAL  today on goose gossage for trying to do just that to joba chamberlain. {tiricosuave}

you ever watch college softball on the teevee?  some of these broads have gorgeous faces…and the lower body of bob boone.

as you know….we don’t deal in “allegedly’s” and “reportedly’s” here at the ‘hu.  but for this we make an exception.  here’s the (alleged) story…..of a lovely lady…..who was niagra university basketball player…..and apparently the biggest ‘ho in several zip codes….all of these facts, of course, are alleged.  what is NOT alleged is that this broad has a smoking bod. {donchavez}

bills release crippled TE.  just another day in paradise.  {behindblondiepark}

sure, they’re nice asses….but how you think that sand’s going to feel on your dong? {theworldofisaac}

coaching in the WNBA might be more exciting if there were more lipstick lesbians….otherwise…it just plain sucks and this coach knows it. {thesportshernia}

roll some leaf, smoke it and agree with us that nobody puts on a better live show than pink floyd:

after a month long nipple-free marathon of jennifer aniston bikini pictures….one intrepid photographer finally caught the world’s most famous pokies standing at attention. {on205th}

thank you india. thank you providence. thank you disillusionment.

we’re sure the food stuck in our braces and our premature ejaculation problem did the trick…but here’s some other ways to ruin a girl’s prom night. {blogofhilarity}

i hear we were going to compile this list of worst seventh inning stretch singers, but we got too busy on the Hulk Hogan And His Daughter’s Ass caper. {operationsports}

is it possible that dave grohl was just waiting for kurt cobain to take a blow to the head so that he could be the head ziggy?

if you’re waxing misogynistic tonight…..you might be able to find your happy place here. {whywomenarewhores}

when we grow up, we want to be harvey bars. until then, we’ll just be diggin on the stuff his tech department puts together. {tiricosuave}

didn’t jay cutler play the kid gynecologist in the cider house rules? no? maybe? anyway…he’s the new advice columnist at one of our favorite saloons. {kissingsuzykolber}

and because there’s just something about a girl who will go down on you in a theatre…..here’s “how bout them transparenting the leif garrett”….or some crazy horseshit like that…..

kate beckinsale weighs 90 lbs and has no booty, but is a finalist in the sexiest woman in the world contest. i’m guessing either the fix is in, or the black vote has not yet been counted. {on205th}

maybe it’s because i’ve got a boner for hitchcock flicks and it has a rear window feel, but for some reason i STILL find this parking rant amusing. {cuzoogle}

only FOUR MORE years until you get to legally see some Taylor Momsen nipple. or so we hear. {blogofhilarity}

when was the last time you got stoned out of your skull? {brahsome}

we think it’s in bad taste to make fun of successful women just because they have back zits, chest hair and testi-ovaries. shame on you people. {huggingharoldreynolds}

(the prior link reminds us that dupes told us that he once spanked to softballer dot richardson while watching a tranny porno)

the mothers on pond view drive in audobon, pa never looked as good as any of the top 10 celebrity milfs. but that doesn’t mean we didn’t coax some protein thinking about them anyway. {donchavez}

if you’re too young to remember that bird and magic were kobe and lebron before kobe and lebron where spermazoa….then you might not enjoy this throwback video as much as we did. {youtube}

this is your goalkeeper’s drugs on brain. uh…you know what we meant. {youtube}

apparently the black vote HAS been counted in this list of girls with the most junk-in-the-trunk….all micks to the back of the room to be fitted for your penis extension. {next-thing}

if you don’t get big energy from this song, then viagra won’t help your dong:

a complimentary flatusyahu story about ray lewis? next you’ll tell me a black man could be president. {humor by kennybanyasforeskin}

few men have lived more purile lives than LKJ….but we’re pretty sure Pete Rose is one of them.  of course, i never stole second, third and home all in one inning like charlie hustle did 28 years ago. {blogging-baseball}

the gentleman from the republic of phillies objects to the amount of territory ceded to the republic of the nationals. (bp0)

meet the world’s only yankee fan who objects to the steinbrenners spending so much money. {fastbreakblog}

hockey does this to people.  that’s why jews don’t dig it. {youtube}

for you gentiles, here’s what hockey hypists are saying is the save of the decade. {youtube}

how come “that guy” is in every good picture you’ve ever seen.  don’t be “that guy”. {college humor}

if the indians are going to steal our jobs, we’re going to steal their language. {youtube}

it hurts my gonads when i think about how much i miss elvis:

flatusyahu.com contributor LarryKingJolson has been appointed Night Desk editor. We hope you’ll treat him with the respect and dignity he deserves.

alyssa milano is a dirty, hairy bushed little whore. god, i love her. {on205th}

how long after he catches his first touchdown pass with the montreal alouettes will it take for the charles rogers for lito sheppard and a first round pick rumors to begin? {tiricosuave}

do survivor contestants shave their pubes? how do they stem the tide of menstruation? banana leaves? doesn’t matter….we’d happily earn our red wings in the jungle with amanda…who apparently isn’t going to survive in the women of survivor final four. {cuzoogle}

i don’t care how many people danica patrick runs over and nearly kills as long as sports illustrated keeps showing me her lady humps. {huggingharoldreynolds}

if you’re like me, friday nights aren’t nearly as satisfying now that www.beasttube.com went out of business.

who gets laid more, team mascots or mort, the seventy-year old guy who guards the phillies dugout at citizens bank park? {awfulannouncing}

we hear don turkeyneck, cowboys owner jerry jones, wants to sign latarian milton as soon as roger goodell reinstates him. {brahsome}

no matter how much i may have hated him over the years, i was genuinely sorry to learn that nationals catcher paul lo duca has cancer.

oops. that should read paul lo duca IS a cancer. just as we suspected. {misterirrelevant}

reno mahe is a disgraced mormon. koren robinson is a disgraced first round pick. reno mahe runs a 4.7 forty. koren robinson runs a 4.4 forty. reno mahe is more reliable, but koren robinson has better hair. another tough decision for big red. {epiccarnival}

watching the phillies play the giants tonight, i’m hearing tom mccarthy say there are large number of phillies fans at the game in san fran tonight. if san fran has a very large population of gay people. and a lot of phillies fans are in san fran. doesn’t this mean a lot of phillies fans are gay?

don’t hate me because i recall enjoying that this song was playing the first time i ever ate at the “y”:

To other black-faced people all over the world….I wish you a holly-jolly Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

In another example of “we always kill the ones we love” (see also: Christ, Jesus; Lincoln, Abraham; Bostock, Lyman; and Kennedys too numerous to list)…America went out and killed just about the only man besides Travis Henry who could possibly bring the races together.

Spearking of bringing the races together….assuming half of Henry’s baby-mommas are white and that each of those children have three baby-mommas and half of THOSE baby-mommas are white…….the illegitimate offspring of Travis Henry should fully integrate the USA in four or so generations.

I think we’ll start a movement to have New Years Eve named Travis Henry Day.

Read the rest of this entry »

What Golf Channel’s Kelly Tilghman said about Tiger Woods….that’s he’ll need to be lynched to be stopped….IS JUST PLAIN WRONG!!!!

(everyone knows that the only way to stop a black asian is a lethal mix of heroin and napalm).

When you get to my age….there are few things more enjoyable than a good tinkle. I’m not talking about the “bladder is full and I’ve got to go immediately” type of piss. I’m talking about the feeling of “it would be nice to make water” type of piss. You stand there (or sit, if you were raised by a bunch of bulldykes) knowing that you’re going to let it run….it does….it feels great…..all is well with the world. You can’t tell me you don’t feel the same way.

Call it the KennyBanyaBounce…..hours after KennyBanyasForeskin called out Hillary Clinton for being the “C” word (and i’m not talking about Consedine)…..Hillary cleans up in New Hampshire. Take my advice…..whatever KBF says…..the opposite will happen.

Is there any nicer set of nipples in America than Naomi Watts’s?

If you’re like us…..you can’t figure out how Joe Gibbs didn’t win several Super Bowls with Mark Brunell, Jason Campbell and Todd Collins under center.

Speaking of Naomi Watts…..you could take the SAT’s with those things.

Les Miles seems like a really nice fella. Something tells me he’d be pretty easy to talk into a night of lap dances at Temptations on Bourbon Street.

I find that many Asian women are beautiful. And they’re well-known for tossing the salad….if you’re into that kind of thing.

I find the whole Roger Clemens story puzzling….how can he be penalized for doing something that wasn’t banned at the time. It’s like punishing Willie Stargell for eating Trans Fats in Manhattan in the 1970’s.

If you’re going to grab a bite at PF Changs…..make sure you try the Shrimp with Honey Walnuts. It’s like eating Amber Widmire’s private parts. It really is that good.

Is there any better basketball man in America than Danny Ainge. Who would have thought that teaming Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce would yield good basketball.

I’m not a rich man….but I’d chip in to offer some type of financial incentive for Arthur Blank to hire the Eagles General Mangler, Tom Heckert.

I’m not a rich man…deux…We’d like to congratulate the Carolina Panthers, the Tampa Bay Bucs and the New Orleans Saints. If Aurthur Blank hires Tom Wreckert and Pete Carroll, these teams will have a garaunteed two wins per year for the foreseeable future.

Mayor McCheesecake indeed. Seems that Arlington, Ore. mayor Carmen Kontur-Gronquist is in hot water over some..ahem “racy photos”.. on her MySpace page. Here’s hoping she wins her next erection. We’re not disturbed at the amount of press this is getting in a land where US Senators troll for ass in public toilets. We’re certainly not disturbed that this public official chose to post pictures of herself in what is, after all, a bikini. What’s troubling is that this woman may actually be Peter Stormare .

I’m going to the kosher deli…..catch you later.

Maybe it’s the way I was raised…..but I sure as heck don’t understand why West Virginia has to sue Rich Rodriguez for payment of his buyout fee. It’s right there in black and white on his contract. But what’s a contract these days?

Speaking of sueing….my cousin AlanDershowitzJolson tells me West Virginia will be paying six figures to prosecute the lawsuit. Maybe they should settle for 2 mil, Michigan’s boss fight song and eight rogue boosters to be named later.

(Who said the writer’s strike is effecting the quality of entertainment?)

I’m no genius, but it seems to me that Mike Nolan having his assistant become his boss ain’t going to be pleasant. I remember back when we freed the slaves…..things weren’t right for a couple hundred years. I’m just saying.

For my money, there is no more attractive woman in this world than Suzanne Somers nipples. I mean….Suzanne Somers.

If you missed that country bumpkin Bill Stewart outcoach ponzi-schemer Bill Stoops last night…..then you missed the best TV since Sonny and Cher went off the air.

Maybe I’m a little thin skinned, but it’s fucking cold today in the Northeast. Sorry for the cursing, I don’t usually work blue, but apparently the writer’s strike is hurtin more than I thought.

If you think Bill Parcells is going to stay long enough to turn around the 1-15 Dolphins, I’d like to sell you a whole bunch of University of Oklahoma Tostido’s Fiesta Bowl Champions shirts. My people in Indianapolis tell me that BigT slept through his last NFL combine and that he backed up the toilets in his hotel when he tried to flush his adult diapers. We’re all getting a little older, but Parcells seems ready to give birth from those massive man-boobs.

The Chinese Restaurant Association announced that Jews and other Christ-haters consumed less moo goo gai pan on Christmas Day than normal. I guess the slow down in the economy is hurting the greedy rich people, too.

For my money….Seattle’s best hotel is the Edgewater, located right on a dock on Puget Sound. It’s a great place to spend quiet, comfy, romantic time with your Vietnamese manservant. Or your girlfriend.

Speaking of Christ, the Vatican has announced that Catholics aren’t allowed to watch football games featuring spread offenses. This is consistent with their three-yards and a cloud of abstinence dogma.

That’s why I only do one show a day.