You knew someone was going to be held accountable for Manny Ramirez taking an early shower during Game Four of the NLCS….and you had to know that it wasn’t going to be Manny.

Turns out, it’s Jamie McCourt….soon to be divorced wife of Dodger owner and Angela’s Ashes author Frank McCort.  We made up that last part.  The guy who wrote Angela’s Ashes is named Frank McCourt….but he’s not the same douchewaffle Dodgers owner who just fired his wife. We also made up the part about her taking showers with Manny.  Manny only showers with Manny.

Why did McCourt fire his wife?  From the looks of this picture, we’re guessing it’s because she wouldn’t give him field-box head.

News of Joe Torre’s new book “The Yankee Years” is going to lead to some fun in the blogosphere. No doubt about that. Your own teammates call you A-Fraud? Better than what most of us call him I guess.

Hey Now!

Long before Ryan Howard went yard (twice)…..long before J-Dub hit his two-run bomb…..and long before Joe “Joe the Farmer” Blanton closed his eyes, swung hard and made World Series history…..the bowels of the Phil’s run-producing machine was still clogged up with tension, futility and meak infield grounders.

Then came Pedro Feliz.

The bottom of the third started like many Phillies innings this World Series….with runners getting in scoring position (Chase Utley on an error, Ryan Howard on a single) and nobody out.  This, of course, was a cue for Joe Buck and Tim McCarver to spew new and interesting facts about the Phillies historic inability to plate runs.

Weak pop outs by Pat Burrell and Shane Victorino only seemed to intesify the strength of Buck’s erection.  He seemed genuinely excited to be witnessing such futility.

Then came Pedro Feliz.  (we like this line so much, we’ve said it twice now)

Feliz stroked a single to left field, scoring Utley, and the air in Joe Buck’s LOB-Boner deflated before our very eyes.

System unclogged.  Game on.  Let freedom ring.  Tensions were eased, confidence restored and the rest, as they say, is history.  Without the weight of the world on his shoulders, Ryan Howard was able just pound the shit out of balls left and right (literally), Joe Blanton was able to find his “Manny Ramirez Place” and Jason Werth, who has struck out more times than PhizzEd at the Bunny Ranch, was able to look cool missing Davey Lopes’ high-five after his two-run dinger.

And it all started because…….”then came Pedro Feliz”.

i don’t even have the emotional energy to write a story.  so i’ll just do a stream of conscious riff:

• can’t throw strikes
• says he’s ready to come back with ten wins second half
• can’t last past the fifth inning
• works behind hitters
• mentally weak
• not the same as a start since he beat his wife
• doesn’t prepare correctly
• phillies are phucked

how many mets fans went to bed last night thinking their team would be in first place today.  johan santana had the phils pretty much handcuffed. it was over, right?

bonzai!

so taguchi sparked a six-run ninth and the phillies destroyed the mets 8-6 to retake sole possession of first place.

bonzai!

si.com story here.

if there is even a single grain of truth to the story circulated by philadelphia daily news columnist don mckee that the phillies are engaged in talks to bring rockies slugger matt holliday to Titleless Town, then we just may wet the bed here and now!

we’re willing to dig deep, pay higher ticket prices, eat more dollar dogs, and spend lots of money at the phanatic build-a-bear shop in order to make this happen.  here are some other things, we as philadelphians, are willing to part with in order to bring matt holliday to citizen’s bank park:

1.  cheesesteaks

we’ll let you in on a little insider secret:  most philly cheesesteaks suck.  especially the famous ones.  the rolls are chewy, the meat is not, and the cheese is really some kind of fondue crap.  (the onions, though are really, really good)  plus they’re not healthy.  people in colorado are WAY too healthy.  they could use some cholesterol.

2.  radio host howard eskin

a rude talk show host known as “the burger king”, for obvious reasons, eskin is an allen iverson sycophant who will enjoy the cold weather and the opportunity to wear fur coats.  you can book it:  denver will LOVE this arsewipe guy.

3.  the philadelphia soul

this one is tougher than it sounds.  this arena league franchise has done it by the book:  great product, fan-friendly, winning teams.  they’re a model organization.  but we have to shed a franchise and we’re not quite willing to give up on the flyers……yet.  besides, soul owner jon bon jovi seems to be on friendly terms with colorado crush owner john elway.  should be a smooth transition.

4.  the rocky statue

what’s it say about our civic IQ that our most famous objet d’art is a movie prop from Rocky III?  even worse, it draws for opposing fans who like to deface it with silly costumes.  yo adrian!

5.  drexel university

here’s the problem:  temple, st. joe’s, lasalle, villanova and penn make up the big five.  we simply don’t have a place to put drexel.  frankly, it’s expendable.  we’re not even sure denver has a college.  (certainly not one that plays colonial league basketball! woohooo!)   add in the fact that it’s most recently famous student is probably a serial identity thief…….see ya drexel!

6.  philly soft pretzels

twenty years ago, we wouldn’t have considered giving up the soft pretzel.  back then they were as hard as horseshoes, had less taste than cardboard and cost five for a buck.  it was a bargain we all enjoyed.  now?  they’re hard as horsehoes, have less taste than cardboard and are a buck each.  screw that, give us matt holliday and we’ll chew on our knuckles.  they probably taste better, anyway.

7.  comcast

what can we say?  comcast sucks.  we certainly appreciate them making philly their corporate headquarters….but we’d appreciate better quality and better service way more. for that reason, we’re getting verizon fios as soon as it’s available.  with all the mountains, folks in denver are used to bad reception….maybe they won’t notice how bad comcast really is.

8.  chris wheeler

used to be a time when philadelphia had some of the greatest baseball announcers in the nation.  then a pr guy named chris wheeler wiggled into the booth through a crack in veterans stadium’s foundation and drove all the professionals looney.  who knows….maybe the mile-high air will make him palatable?

9.  ed rendell

our former mayor, now “the gov” and part-time eagles post-game show host and CONSTANT talking head, ed rendell does nothing to dispel the notion that philadelphia is inhabited by troglodytes who throw snowballs at santa claus.  since term limits prevent him from running again….we think he would make a great senator for colorado.

10.  reno mahe

sure, he doesn’t play anymore for the eagles.  (right andy?  right?  andy?)  but his development from byu drop-out to nfl punt returner ordinaire is an immense source of civic pride.  let’s put it this way:  he’d make denver forget about all of javon walker’s faults.

related topics:

pattus interruptus….pat burrell doesn’t like getting “pulled” late

philly is the world capital of tv anchorperson shenanigans

[image via mavrixphoto]

DUDE!

yesterday’s carnage here.

this is where the phils season ends. lidge’s horrible 15th inning gets inside his head like the cardinals nlcs did a few years back…..he becomes a shell of the man he used to be and the phillies have a reliever on their hands with a three-year contract and post traumatic stress disorder.

(btw, mad props to bud in fishtown for this fine video. bud, they have this thing called redlasso now. you don’t need to set up a camera in your living room and point it at your tv to get video anymore. oh. you’re a UNION camera man? NOW we get it.)

part two of this story includes chase utley coming back with a shattered ego after being booed by those heartless bastards in gotham. maybe alycia lane was right. you’re all fucking dikes!

(at least utley didn’t have a dan uggla night: six men LOB. holy shit. that’s rank.)

[image via wenn]

while most all-stars were paraded around gotham surrounded by their families, gayrod made do with this straight-from-american-gothic rent-a-kin.  (no doubt from the pinkerton agency).