Ten Things Philadelphians are Willing to Give Up to Get Matt Holliday
if there is even a single grain of truth to the story circulated by philadelphia daily news columnist don mckee that the phillies are engaged in talks to bring rockies slugger matt holliday to Titleless Town, then we just may wet the bed here and now!
we’re willing to dig deep, pay higher ticket prices, eat more dollar dogs, and spend lots of money at the phanatic build-a-bear shop in order to make this happen. here are some other things, we as philadelphians, are willing to part with in order to bring matt holliday to citizen’s bank park:
1. cheesesteaks
we’ll let you in on a little insider secret: most philly cheesesteaks suck. especially the famous ones. the rolls are chewy, the meat is not, and the cheese is really some kind of fondue crap. (the onions, though are really, really good) plus they’re not healthy. people in colorado are WAY too healthy. they could use some cholesterol.
2. radio host howard eskin
a rude talk show host known as “the burger king”, for obvious reasons, eskin is an allen iverson sycophant who will enjoy the cold weather and the opportunity to wear fur coats. you can book it: denver will LOVE this arsewipe guy.
3. the philadelphia soul
this one is tougher than it sounds. this arena league franchise has done it by the book: great product, fan-friendly, winning teams. they’re a model organization. but we have to shed a franchise and we’re not quite willing to give up on the flyers……yet. besides, soul owner jon bon jovi seems to be on friendly terms with colorado crush owner john elway. should be a smooth transition.
4. the rocky statue
what’s it say about our civic IQ that our most famous objet d’art is a movie prop from Rocky III? even worse, it draws for opposing fans who like to deface it with silly costumes. yo adrian!
5. drexel university
here’s the problem: temple, st. joe’s, lasalle, villanova and penn make up the big five. we simply don’t have a place to put drexel. frankly, it’s expendable. we’re not even sure denver has a college. (certainly not one that plays colonial league basketball! woohooo!)  add in the fact that it’s most recently famous student is probably a serial identity thief…….see ya drexel!
6. philly soft pretzels
twenty years ago, we wouldn’t have considered giving up the soft pretzel. back then they were as hard as horseshoes, had less taste than cardboard and cost five for a buck. it was a bargain we all enjoyed. now? they’re hard as horsehoes, have less taste than cardboard and are a buck each. screw that, give us matt holliday and we’ll chew on our knuckles. they probably taste better, anyway.
7. comcast
what can we say? comcast sucks. we certainly appreciate them making philly their corporate headquarters….but we’d appreciate better quality and better service way more. for that reason, we’re getting verizon fios as soon as it’s available. with all the mountains, folks in denver are used to bad reception….maybe they won’t notice how bad comcast really is.
8. chris wheeler
used to be a time when philadelphia had some of the greatest baseball announcers in the nation. then a pr guy named chris wheeler wiggled into the booth through a crack in veterans stadium’s foundation and drove all the professionals looney. who knows….maybe the mile-high air will make him palatable?
9. ed rendell
our former mayor, now “the gov” and part-time eagles post-game show host and CONSTANT talking head, ed rendell does nothing to dispel the notion that philadelphia is inhabited by troglodytes who throw snowballs at santa claus. since term limits prevent him from running again….we think he would make a great senator for colorado.
10. reno mahe
sure, he doesn’t play anymore for the eagles. (right andy? right? andy?) but his development from byu drop-out to nfl punt returner ordinaire is an immense source of civic pride. let’s put it this way: he’d make denver forget about all of javon walker’s faults.
related topics:
did you know hottie ali larter was discovered in a phillies commercial?
pattus interruptus….pat burrell doesn’t like getting “pulled” late
